July 14, 2013

  • Self reflection and a much needed blog

    "Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, ESV

    Here comes a moment of truth. 

    A few months back, during my first House Hold meet, I remember my HH using the above passage from the bible to hold a discussion over. She'd ask which part of it resonated with us. Frankly, I don't quite remember what I'd said; but I must have related it towards my parents somehow. Now though, having had a little too much time cooped up at home, with only Aso to talk to, this particular passage came back to me out of nowhere. 

    Not going to lie, I am not a big bible reader, so I did have to search it using "A Walk to Remember" as keywords. bummed

    During the recent years, I have come to realize that the word love is much broader and deeper than the convenient definition. It takes shape in so many forms, and not a single one is more important than the others. In retrospect, I have always imparted love in the form of a friendship. To me, love and friendship are homologous and I guess that's probably why I was never quick to claim "best friends". Just as love and friendship is homologous, friendship and family are synonymous to me.  I know, it's probably highly unbelievable coming from me, as I've always been mean spirited and often commandeering, especially during my younger more tomboyish and unrefined years. It may come across as brash and insincere to others, but that's just it, I think that may have been a defense mechanism designed to filter out those I do not consider as family. Very little things in this life can hurt me, and I mean truly hurt me. Only three people can really bring me genuine sadness and tears. I've admitted to the first two many times, and they've been very cathartic, so I guess it's time I admit to the last one. 

    I mean if it's not already obvious from the current contents and topic of this specific blog....

    If I could, I would rewrite the passage above and tweak it a little to: Love takes offense but is not resentful...it doesn't excuse but understands....love does not come to an end but is not tenacious. 

    Taking offense is part of the whole package, I think taking offense, in a reasonable extent is an evidence of love. To love, you take the risk of letting your guard down to effectively transfer a vital part of your emotional being to that person who often, isn't aware of it, thus there will come a time that they may become careless, and cause hurt unintentionally, but to resent taints the love, it also causes you to hold on and be held back. Love should never have excuses but understanding. Excuse is turning a blind eye to the motives of the hurt that's been caused; not only is it easy, it also paves way to abuse and dwindles the love for one's self. Understanding, on the other hand, forces you to look pass your ego and examine the reasons why you are hurt and why the hurt was caused; whether is was intentional or an accident. Love does not come to an end, how could it when you've already given and handed over an impalpable part of yourself? Though, to love is also to let go.

     Because of this, I believe and come to accept that it's okay to be hurt. I've allowed myself to felt betrayed with what transpired between CM and I. It was my first experience of, what I thought was a strong friendship breaking, that the hurt was so immense even now, years later, there are moments when it stings ever-so-lightly. And it's because of indulging myself with this emotion that I was able to dissipate the hurt overtime. My regret in this is that almost everything transpired through the word of mouth, I was too involve in my own hurt and pride that I never came to her to try a resolution.

    Because of this I've allowed myself to be sad that it was inevitable for my longest -and for years what I considered my closest- friendship to end. It was quite evident to me that it already has even before it had. It was through no one's fault; life happened and interest just changed. Though admittedly, I felt as though I've been outgrown. My regret in this is that, it ended on a bitter note and misunderstanding despite my efforts of resolution.

     

    And finally, because of this, I've allowed myself to feel rejected, that now, I feel lost and drowned out in a growing group. Now, this one is a learning process; I'm learning  to let go of my bruised ego and finding it within myself the courage to trust again.

    When it comes down to it, I've learned a very valuable lesson:

    Expectation is the bane of friendship. Or every kind of relationship for that matter. Expectation is highly driven by narcissism, which acts as poison to even the strongest formed relationship. Even still, one should always have a standard which one must uphold. 

    I've always felt like it's out of character of me to be emotional. To me, to be emotional is to be weak. And if anything else, I have no problems admitting that I have weakness BUT I detest admitting I am weak. I would like to think that there's nothing frail about me physically, from my broad shoulder-thick arms and thigh-built, to my naturally booming voice. I've had a strange sense of insecurity and pride over that, however the more I felt insecure about not being dainty, the more I took pride in being able to decently hold my own. So it is surprisingly liberating to be able to put my thoughts in coherent words. Now that I have this recorded, I don't have to constantly mull over these ideas and hopefully move on.

     

    -Elle Are Emm