This feeling. Of wonder, and excitement, anticipation and anxiety. PLEASE! Someone show me a way to make it tangible so that I can keep it in a nice, small glass bottle somewhere for storage, and have it available for future use on times when my courage falters and self doubt wins.

This feeling of wanderlust has me motivated it’s ridiculous. I am move to tears with the realization that I haven’t felt this full of purpose in such a long time. 

*breatheeeeeee

*breatheeeeee

*breattheeeeeeeeeee

I want to do this, I want to experience the world. I want it so bad, in this very moment that I’ve just re-evaluated my goals and plans for the future. I want it so bad that I’m willing to put on hold security and comfort. Because now I’ve realize that I’m plowing single-mindedly for that my whole life that I’ve been doing things backwards. Unlike my old self though, I am ready to work towards what I want NOW than loose anymore time so that I can have a secured future filled with regrets.

 

LETS DO THIS!

 

-Elle Are Emm

Now that I’m in Las Pinas, where everyone has responsibility so that I’m basically left to my own device, there really has been nothing for me to do but to internet, curse the heat, miss my dog and occasionally go to the gym behind aunt’s house.

Yesterday was a new experience though, as I was finishing up on leg day, aunt had me try out boxing/muai thai with the instructor they have.  They’ve been telling me to try it out for a whiele now actually, it’s just that there are always so many people around that I find it awkward to. But  enjoyed it I did. I have wanted to try  out kickboxing for years now, I’ve never been able to because I didn’t have the means to  new experiences and thing’s I’m not familiar with intimidates me. I’m glad I had the instructor to myself for a while, as I felt less afraid to try it out. I got the hang of it pretty quick, and as egocentric as it sound, I felt quite accomplish and pride swelled in me when the instructor -and eventually one student- threw me praises throughout.  I would have gone for another round today, but then hoards of other students were there. Maybe next time when I get over myself.

And since my arrival back, auntie has also taken it to herself to have me made over to a proper young lady, little by little.

11/06

Clyndamycine. I kept racking my brains why this pills sounds so familiar. 2 days later, I remember it’s the exact same acne meds I got samples of.

Had a little scare after consulting the doctor. It took so long for me to seek medical help because I had to sort things out with my insurance  I kept putting off taking care of my insurance. Eventually, I just went in with the cousins. It was a quick visit anyhow; the doctor palpated the lump under my chin, check my ears/nostrils, listened to my breathing with a stethoscope then wrote me an antibiotics prescription for reactive lymphadenitis. THEN there was an extra set of prescription for a chest x-ray request, because just in case it wasn’t just a bad case of swollen lymph due to infection, the doctor’s next best guest was tuberculosis.   Thankfully, the day after my last course of antibiotics, the lump went away *phew

 

11/09

After weeks of speculating when it would be that I would meet my youngest uncle’s wife and infamous kids, Ate DR finally spared her weekend to accompany me.

So far, I’ve been getting up and about through the dreadful commute “system” (???). Never have I ever missed BC’s modes of public  transportation  so much than I have now. I mean, I’ve always had a big appreciation for it, hell, I actually prefer it than driving. I’m not entirely whining, so far it’s been an adventure being able to recount the experience of riding the jeepneys, tricycles, MRT, bus’, cabs and vans; all I’m missing from the list is the LRT and FX . It’s just that with no fix and absolute way of getting from one destination to another, I don’t dare explore on my own. It feels crippling really.

Cousin had been craving for pizza so aunt took us to Yellow Cab for dinner. Then we watched Thor 2 after. Aunt says she’s not usually one to take out the car for a drive because she doesn’t know how to park, but because I was there to finish the job, she risked it. 

 

Maybe having everyone tell me all about auntie, and having Ate around put me at ease, because I’ve taken up to aunt, her family and her home instantaneously. Really, she could be my older sister since she is young.  Her children took all of 5 minutes to welcome my yet-unknown presence, which, as far as all of my little cousins are concerned, has to be the record. I especially and immediately fell in love with the little girl as every body has told me I would. In fact, I already thought of missing her before we even left, and blogging about this and looking at the pictures gives me a sense of lost for not having a baby sibling of my own, and anticipation and reaffirmation of wanting children in the future.

SHE IS JUST TOO MUCH! I know I’m not supposed to, but if I could choose favourites between my little cousins, I would have this little cutie-patoots right here, and Manong. 

 

So that’s that! I’ve finally met all the cousins!!

11/10

Our little evening date. This area reminds me of downtown Vancouver.

The original plan was that we spend the night at Tita Tek’s, then leave early to meet Tita Elaine’s family at the church. However, we were just so comfortable lounging around -ate in her borrowed shorts, me in Nanay’s mumu- that we just didn’t have the energy to get up and get ready. We actually didn’t even leave the house until about 5-6pm. And even after, we didn’t go straight to auntie’s, actually we didn’t go at all. After going back to the mall to take care of a few of Ate’s errands, we chose to stroll around and then she brought me to this -what is considered as “high end”- strip mall where we had mediocre cupcakes and god-awful beverages.  Though, taking the time to catch up and basically just get reacquainted more than made up for that failure of a drink and pastry. It was already so late when we finished. Ate had wanted to drop off her stuff at her home, then drop me off home, that I thought it would be unwise. Instead, I suggested that I spend the night over. It was yet another interesting commute, looking back now, I really hope I wasn’t too embarrassed to look like a tourist and have the guts to stop and take pictures. From now on, I shall make more of an effort, after all I am on a vacation.

More pictures of the past. Oh where, oh where has the years gone?

The next day, I spent most of my time catching up with Ate’s mom. I don’t ever remember her being that cool/vulgar/hip/young/whatever. It was funny how she was voluntarily dishing out her love life to me, which quite frankly, I had no idea how else, besides laughter to respond.

As it was Monday, one of the five usual days  for adults to be responsible, I had to wait fro Ate to finish her shift at work. We didn’t get going until about 5 in the evening. It’s funny how normal it is here to cross a street with traffic in full force, as though a skeleton covered in a few pounds of meat and skin is much stronger than a speedy machinery of metal, meanwhile there I am, always feeling like I’m playing Russian Roulette with my life. Or maybe, that game where you have to successfully get your player to cross one end to another without getting flattened, is more of an accurate comparison.

11/13

Aleck’s birthday was on the 14, so the day before, we went to -what seems to me- one of the many malls around to buy him presents. It may sound rich coming from someone who spent the last 10 years in a developed country, but I still can’t seem to get over the fact that at this very moment, -especially with the recent typhoon that badly devastated large parts of the Philippines-, too many people are without even the bare necessity and yet things of luxury exists in sizable, but selected parts of this country.

A little love from Thailand Ah, the power of technology. Had a somewhat brief talk/catch up/girlfriend time with Supa. Since, were both in Asia now, there is only 1 hour time difference.

11/14

For Aleck’s birthday, after my first session of boxing/muai thai, the family plus yours truly set out to find a buffet as an evening celebration. I finally had a little sneak peak of MOA before we landed on Yaki Mix, a Japanese all you can eat buffet restaurant.

The pictures may say otherwise, but in truth, I just don’t feel the same -or any warmth for that matter- from Alexa the same way I do with every other cousin. Maybe its from years of feeling rejected by her, but try as I may, the feeling I get from her is that of someone who is essentially forced to interact and entertain a visitor who shares her home temporarily. Sharing a long history as children, as adults we just don’t click, and I’m okay with it. 

 

 

-Elle Are Emm

“Holdafun, Kidnafun, Carnafun at ang Presidente ay Funot” har har har

Anyway…

10/13 After spending my first week in Las Pinas, auntie finally allowed Nanay and I to depart for the province. But not until she dragged us to her “voluntary” church. The lecture itself was nothing but excellence, Pastor Ed Lapiz was very articulate, wise-beyond-words, and enlightening. I’m glad that my first ever non-Catholic experience was inside his house of worship. Though, I must admit, the theatrics and pre-lecture performance was something I could do without.

Cousins

It was such a hot sweltering day, as it usually is in the city. Thank goodness the auntie changed her mind and decided to drop off Grandma and I all the way to the province. On our way over, we stopped over the infamous, “gourmet” JCO donut shop in Alabang.  We didn’t get there until after dusk, I must admit, I certainly felt a measure of anxiety mix with excitement and anticipation upon arriving at the place I used to frequent, and live a full year in as a child.

First few peak around the city near my small town, and up and down our street.

Cousins, aunt and grandparents. 

As it was, I wasn’t exactly sure how to conduct myself in front of these other cousins. I remember them being babies before we left, aside from that, they didn’t really spend much time with our side of the family. Also, there were just too many 3rd hand stories about them that I’ve heard of throughout the years, that I had to try a little bit harder not to have a bias and preconceived opinion of them.  So, I had to get out of the house and make polite by seeing other extended family who lived around the area. But at the end of the night, every one else left back to Manila, and I was left in a suddenly familiar-yet-foreign house. To my pleasant surprise though, it only took getting settled for the night until I felt at home.  As the youngest of the bunch fell asleep in the old room my family used to occupy way back when, Belle instantaneously opened up to me until 5 in the morning and caught me up on 10 years worth of stories. I felt relived and grateful and finally unconstrained. Here was a cousin, who I never bonded with, unknowingly putting me at ease and finally giving me a sense of familial-ship for the first time since I arrived. After that,  I just sunk right into living with them. There wasn’t much to do really. I wasn’t entirely interested in socializing with anyone else,  being that it was a small province, I knew that I wouldn’t really get anywhere but either participate or be the topic of gossips.  I mainly just stayed at home, clean the house, read books, eat and repeat.  I purposely hid from prying eyes, only leaving at night to go to my uncle’s house. But the handful of times that there was still sunlight when I left, I could feel EVERY ONE and I mean EVERY ONE’s eyes on me. 

A week into being in a state of idleness, Belle and I reverted to an old childhood pastime. The upstairs floorboards has always had gaps, sometimes, things slips out of one’s hand which always finds its way falling through between the gaps. Things from money, to ID’s to a lump of pubic hair can be found there.

  

Uncle (dad’s brother), Aunt (mom’s cousin) their children, another aunt’s daughter,  plus us.  They only live up the road to I essentially split my time between grandparent’s house and theirs. 

Full functioning cellphones. Aside from the very strange cell service system, it’s very common here to have multiple cellular devices, hence these small and cheap devices.

  

Admittedly, due to my long duration stay here, I am in no rush to eat all the noms

  

Younger generation of cousins. These two are just something else. The girl is has a whole lot of street smarts at such a young age, and I’m absolutely amused by the older boy, whom I’ve taken to calling “Manong”. He just seems so adult like, by his stature and the way his so protective over his sisters. 

One of my favourite snacks as a child from my godmother-aunt. It’s absolutely adorable how one cousin remembered when I already forgot. She said she tried to get her hands on some but couldn’t find it in Manila. So when I casually mentioned it to my godmother-aunt, she surprised me one day by sending me some though Manong.  

A compilation of old pictures of me from various family.

10/20

Rheanna (baby girl cousin), celebrated her birthday the week (??) before. We couldn’t really celebrate since I grandmother nor I had enough. So the following week when my allowance finally came, we had a post birthday celebration by having lunch and playing arcade in the mall in the nearby city. I just thought it was adorable how the preteens preened and freshened up in front of the mirror. It was also funny how they all go to the washroom as a pack. Speaking of washroom, I had to find out the hard way that the sink station inside them are for make up applications; not for washing hands.

10/26

It was municipal election week, which means every night is have a drink night, and since everyone seems to be bored out of their minds for me, due to the fact that I choose to camp indoors with my ebook, Kuya Toti came by to invite us over a party. The ironic thing is, he ended up leaving us behind so that he can go drink with other people. Luckily, his sister was there….for the most part. Their friends were nice anyway, nice enough even to respect the fact that I wasn’t up for drinking. Sure, it was awkward at first, but as soon as the booze got rolling, inhibition started dropping, as it usually does. Before we left that place though, I was forced to take a shot because a few people decided to introduce me to the town’s mayor. I kept insisting that I wasn’t from there and that it wasn’t as though I could vote for him, but at this point people were too drunk to care what I was saying, so I got it over with.  Ate Zabel gave us a ride home, but it was way past bedtime and Belle and I were locked out, we had no choice but to sleep over. Except we hadn’t really slept yet. Of course, at 2am, the drinking wasn’t over all around. We ended up going to another place with Kuya and his, male exclusive possy. We didn’t stay long though, because Belle, in her drunken state, didn’t get along with a mutual acquaintance/friend of Kuya’s. So off we went with Ate.  It was a different  crowd as they were all a bit older ( I assume). Everything was nice and relax, though admittedly I was out of place, being the only one sober at all. Then things turn out for the ugly; one Kuya’s friend decided to come over and pick a fight with a guy (G1) who showed him off earlier, and who happened to be inside the house where we were, and was actually having a conversation with Belle. It just got confusing, because one of the other guy (G2) in the party, who decided to join the conversation, sucker punch the G1 after briefly getting up, and talking to the guys outside. I thought for a very confused while that he might be an older brother taking revenge, only to find out that he was actually only their neighbour. It wasn’t as though I hadn’t had my fair share of stopping fights, my only qualm however, was that I was a visitor who knew nobody. I was livid at the fact that Belle, fluid by alcohol -and though with good intention- was butting in. As you can imagine, instead of helping, it was making things much worst. In effect, I felt as though she was just adding to the chaos and noise.  To make things much, much, much worst, she went outside to help Ate deal with the people who sought the fight. I was stuck inside, surrounded by strangers, quietly sitting right smack in the middle of the chaos taking place between the irate G2 (who knew nothing about why his neighbour wanted to fight G1 to begin with) and the  G1, who at this point, was terrified and crouched in the corner crying. I kid you not, though short, this grown ass man, was bawling his eyes out like there was no tomorrow. Everything just went to shit from there, another guy was fed up that a fight broke out so he punches the wall, walked inches from me with  a big chopping knife, threatening G1, because instead of shutting his drunken mouth, he was off whining, and begging anyone who would listen to call a number that would invite a few of his backups. An eternity later, when everything settled, all I wanted was to get out of that house and never come back. Needless to say, I was not impressed by my cousins and by how grown men decided to have a whose-got-the-bigger-penis contest. But the drinking picked up again, so I walked away by myself and back to Ate’s house, praying that the night passes by asap.

 

10/27

I’ve calmed down by the next day, and with the half planned promise of bringing me to the grotto, in Lucban, we set of late afternoon, early evening. When we got there, it was already dark, and if I hadn’t said I was an out-of-the-country visitor, we wouldn’t have been admitted in.

Riding top load off a jeepney; having a late lunch early dinner at Buddy’s; the 150 + steps/station of the cross at the grotto. 

10/29

Razchellyn, the eldest of the cousins who lived in the province, finally came back. She left with my aunt/uncle/cousins when I was dropped off, so that she can enroll for the semester in Manila. We have been anticipating her arrival since, I had wanted to bond with her the way I was bonding with her sister. So what did we do the night off? Us 4 (Myself, Razchellyn, Belle and Red) decided to ask a few kids to buy us alcohol so that we can sneak it upstairs in an empty bedroom and have a drink. Apparently the grandparents aren’t too keen on this. They weren’t really good at hiding the utensils, plates and cups we used, or the bottle of Emperador Lights rum, that and it wasn’t as though we were all that quiet, so it came as no surprise when the grandmother asked me the next day if we had a drink. There was no point in denying it, luckily she just chuckled in amusement.

10/31-11/02

Cousins

It was the aunt’s birthday on the 31st. A couple of weeks before, we’d heard from Razchellyn that she had been planning on going to Tagaytay, with her employees in towed. I was slightly bothered by the fact that we weren’t -as her family- invited, but I brushed it off, since I had no money, and I was never that person who crashes parties.

What do you know though? mid afternoon, Razchellyn received a text from the aunt, followed by a phone call, telling us to get ready and commute to a place where they’ll meet us. We were to spend the night, and leave the next day so that we can be with the grandparents, to visit graves, for all souls day. With that in mind, I borrowed fare money from the grandpa,   showered, and since we were summoned at the very last minute,  set out at 4pm. When we got to the city, Razchellyn was suddenly told that we were to make our way on our own, 3/4 of the way. I was starting to feel agitated; I had  limited amount of money available, no one was certain how to get there (we asked and the commute seemed complicated), it was getting dark and we had two children in tow. I couldn’t understand why we weren’t invited/informed much earlier so that we could be better prepared. It just made me think unpleasant thoughts because it wasn’t as though aunt just decided the trip the morning of.  Thank everything holy that we managed to catch a van that took us very near the area we needed to be. Actually the driver had offered to hire out his van for a few hundred more, so that he could drop us off in front of the hotel. Aunt wasn’t pleased with the idea; she thought it was too much, so we got off to wait and waited for a ride.  It was a long trip, and the children had been complaining of hunger, I decided to spend the last 500php on MCDonalds for a quick meal. Just as I handed the cashier the bill, we got a phone call telling us to commute to the hotel. I almost lost it; I only had 50php for the 6 of us to spend. By the time we got to the hotel,cranky to the core, I just wasn’t having it. It didn’t really help that spending 2 weeks in the province left me with various “souvenirs”; my face was burnt, I was breaking out, my legs sustained countless insect bites, I had dandruff and an unknown lump grew on my throat. Auntie, who is ever so vain, didn’t miss a any of it.

I really had no choice but to go back to Manila and recuperate. She actually put me on probation, and almost barred me from going anywhere until the parents come…IN JANUARY. Luckily, mother talked some sense into her.

Frolicking in Calamba; commute back to Cavinte. 

I had half anticipated it, aunt actually didn’t send us off until the day after the original plan. I don’t have any of the pictures, but on the second night, auntie actually bought us drinks (Emperador Lights rum). After finishing our drink, a 16 year old family friend of theirs, whom I heard to be very inhibited, shy and borderline anti social, decided in her tipsy state, that she wanted to get drunk as an experiment. I supposed, in the beginning, I was slightly put off by her antics, by her insistence to speak in English, by -what I thought was- her quasi artsy, hipster intellect, which she kept throwing at people’s face,. Yeah, I might have egged her on.  And then, as she got drunk more and more, confessed to things she otherwise would never say had she not been wrapped under the veil of alcohol, I softened up and saw my 16 year old self in her. She wanted to get drunk and experience the feeling, in a controlled, safe environment? Then drunk we got her. I hadn’t realize that all of us were to un-occupy the rented vacation house at 5 am, so I failed to give her enough time to recover from the side effects of too much alcohol in the blood stream…whoops

 

11/03

The farm; and my search for a temporary Aso alternative

 

Auntie had planned to bring me back to Manila after her family finished their weekend in Tagaytay. Since I haven’t had the chance to visit our other family vacation house in the farm side, I thought that it would be a good idea to spend the night we got back from Tagaytay there.  Our uncle who oversees the farm, and just happened to be one of the designated “cool adults” bought us alcohol. We might have jokingly said that we wanted to drink when we got there, but twice in a week was enough for me. Belle ended up inviting a few guests over. They drank, I socialized for a while, but when more people came, I felt spent, an dozed off on the couch.

The next day, unsure of aunt’s possible arrival in the evening, we half rushed our way back to town. Except uncle didn’t drive us straight to town, he decided to take a detour and do some sight seeing. Still in our pajamas, and riding on the back of a beaten service SUV, he drove us to the posh venue, where auntie and her husband had their reception on their church wedding. I just went with the flow with my uncle, he went inside with the pretense of searching for a  reception hall for my parents when they arrive from abroad. We were getting all sorts of looks, so to save face, I decided to make certain inquiries in English.

A few hours after we got back, aunt, uncle and their children came. I hadn’t showered, though I already had my things packed and ready to go. It turns out they’re still checked in Tagaytay and planned to spend the night before heading home.

 

11/04

My cellphone camera is a bit too dark to portray how sunny and what a beautiful day it was. Over looking the hotel are a few islands, and nearby is a rather disappointing “amusement park” called Sky Ranch 

 

After leaving the hotel mid afternoon, we frolicked about, took pictures, ate, visited a few of their gyms then head home.

And here’s me with a piece of home. More than once -okay fine, regularly-the thought of heading back crossed my mind. A friend’s mom reacted with surprise upon hearing how long my stay was, saying that she could never be away from the comfort of her home for so long. In my stubborn head, 3 months to catch up with family after 10 years of being gone, is not nearly enough. But now I understand what she means. I miss the uncomplicated quiet, privacy and alone time my own room offers. I miss little things like toilet paper, cell service, non Filipino dishes and of course I miss my dog so, so, so much.

 

-Elle Are Emm

Other lola arrived a few days ago. Time to see/visit the lolos soon.

She came from the province to have a check up. She’s been here for a few days now, and she can’t wait to get back home, and I’m going with her. The only problem is, no one can drop us off, or come for with, for the commute. Ate DR said she would, but she has things to do so I think that plan is out the window.

I’m so glad to have my lola by my side. I’ve been sleeping beside  her since, and just catching up with her feels amazing.  The first day she came, she told me almost immediately how the new set of dentures mother gifted her, must have been carried off by a huge rat the night before. Good times. 

So last night, both of my wishes  finally come true,  AD and I were in one of their salon, on the table, towards the end of having our eyelash extended when  it started pouring hard with thunder to boot. By the time we made our way home, residential areas had no power, and we had candle lit dinner.

 

 

-Elle Are Emm 

10.04.13

Finally finished the long anticipated board exam, I’ve been on this journey for so long that I never thought the day would come.  The thing is a part of me was strongly hoping, that finally having the opportunity to complete this task, would somehow rekindle something  that would enable me to continue on with this profession I’ve been heavily invested on.

 

It’s funny how things take it course, if I’m completely honest, nothing has change. It pained me to admit, but the truth of the matter is, I was never interested in this profession. I entered it with the wrong mindset, and now it had panned out to be the worst mistake of my young-ish life.

Needless to say, for all the false pretenses the past couple of months, I never had the motivation or the interest to focus and revise and I just could not care less.  And now? Where am I? On the 5^th hour of a 12 hour plane ride-plus 2 hour layover in Japan- to the Philippines. Flight info screen in front of me says that the coordinates put me about 46:54 N in latitude, and 174:13 W longitude.

I am just the worst daughter aren’t I? Okay, well maybe not the worst, but I’m pretty up there. After fucking around, and leading the parents to believe I’ve been haul-assing, and slaving away in preparation for these cursed tests, I let them send me off on a 3 month long vacation, all expense paid; from the plane ticket, to pocket money, to an over- baggage fee. Perhaps it’s my guilty conscience that’s preventing me from experiencing even a sliver of excitement, or any emotion for that matter. I left hardly letting anyone know I’m leaving, I’m travelling alone to the other side of the world, and there just isn’t anything in particular I’m feeling, aside from discomfort at being in a cramp space.  Yes, I wanted to go on this trip because it’s been a decade since we left the Philippines, and I have not been back. Yes, I want to see family. But most importantly, this trip serves as an escape, a chance to try and re-calibrate and gain a measure of composure. It doesn’t feel like I’m leaving anything and anyone behind –aside from Aso- despite the fact that I’m going to be away for a quarter  of a year, missing multiple birthdays, Halloween, Christmas and New Year. However, it’s something that I feel I need at the moment.

 

10.05.13

Thank God for my safe arrival with no hitch.  That was hands down my least favourite flight just yet. Funny, as much as I enjoy travelling, I absolutely despise flying due to the sheer discomfort of it. Okay, maybe not the flying itself, but more like the economy class. I promised myself that before I die, or when I reach a certain seniority of age, I shall indulge and fly first/business class. Just thinking of all that leg room is exciting.

So yeah, I had very little trouble finding my was to my connecting flight in Japan, shame though, I would have liked to walk around the airport had my layover was any longer. At least my flight to Manila was a bit more comfortable, but at that point I was just over it. All I wanted to do was find a clean, flat surface to lay down on. First impression? The air is definitely different, it was…sticky, and of course, smelly.

I had to wait over half an hour for my ride, which consisted of my aunt and her daughters, plus her friend. The first meeting was rather anticlimactic admittedly. I don’t really know what I expected, but it was just uneventful.  Driving to their home gave me multiple cardiac infarction, it was loud, slow, and no one seem to know the concept that a metal car is much sturdier and stronger that a human body.

I ate red hot dogs -super salty-, unpacked in their spare room, and after calling the parents, settled in for the night.

I already miss toilet papers.

10. 06.13

Woke up at noon. Mother’s dad, sister and nephew came over for a visit. Too many feels. Ate DR came -another anticlimactic meeting- then church with the cousins in the evening. SM afterwards to pick up a few of my essentials. Talk about sensory overload.  Jeez, you never would have thought that this is a developing country with the sheer volume of people in the shopping mall. Went home to find mother’s aunt and her kids for a visit. Needless to say, I’m very unused with a crowd in my home. At the end of the night, I was exhausted and didn’t even have the energy to wash up, no matter how sticky I felt.

10.07.13

I knew my nocturnal tendencies will pay off somehow,  since I haven’t had any troubles adjusting to the time difference at all. I woke up nice and early today, stayed in bed for an hour, reading off my tablet and just relishing the quiet, down time. Thank goodness it’s a weekday and people are all busy. Everyone seem to be apologetic that I would be left on my own vices, but honestly, this is probably the best thing that’s happened since I came.

 

I think I’ve found a way to beat the heat, I’ve decided to expend less amount of energy as I can by moving as little as possible.

 

-Elle Are Emm

 

 

 

Tonight I visited an ex-coworker and her 2 month old baby, Trystan. Yes, she’s one of those moms.

 

He has THE chubbiest cheeks and THE roundest belly! OMG I CAN’T! *gigil gigil

 

It’s strange it felt natural to walk around that old compound, even more strange is how welcome I felt inside that house, ,maybe because for years it’s been my second home, 50 steps away from my own.

Years ago, when AA and her family moved, my coworker, whom just started at the clinic, actually purchased the house. Small world isn’t it?

I really wanted to text her and tell her that her old purple room, with that creepy clown hanging in the corner, is now painted red and brown and has been turned into a baby room for Trystan. Except of course I could, which made me immensely sad.

 

-Elle Are Emm

There’s something about backup plans that makes them quite comforting. In my case, it’s whats providing fuel so that I can go forward with Plan A. At this point, I really just want to get over Plan A, so that I can go on with my life. I need a new journey. I want to start new experiences. I want to put all my cards on the table and see what happens. 

FUCK IT.

In reality, I’ve never felt so lost and so stranded in place, but I’m taking it as a good sign. The other night, I received one of those late night phone calls from a friend, and this is the topic of conversation. I told her: “I think this is how we’re supposed to feel. I think feeling lost, and hopeless, and helpless and directionless from all the overwhelming life choices is a right of passage. It’s good” I think….right? 

Among a plethora of emotions, excitement and fear stands out the most. I don’t know how adults did it. I don’t know how after going through this, not very many people go mentally insane.

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

 

-Elle Are Emm 

 

That is all 

 

-Elle Are Emm

Mother’s much anticipate trip actually happened as planned. She has been looking forward to the gathering of her small town, that was scheduled to take place first week of August, in Las Vegas since last year. Seeing as Father’s work schedule is erratic, she ended up bringing Baby Bill and myself.

Truth be told, I dreaded the trip. My uneasiness, which rapidly translated into annoyance, seemingly increased as the day neared.

I’ve never been to Las Vegas, and quite frankly, given the choice, I could live without setting foot in that city. In reality, the place only hold two things of interest; drag shows and Cirque de Soleil. Other than that, it essentially represents everything I dislike; crowd, excess and debauchery. Never mind the dry, hot weather, I really can’t stand the business and over crowding of mostly drunk individuals, geared up for a few nights of unconstrained depravity.

I am slowly coming to the realization that, although I can hold myself in a crowd quite decently, I fit into the category of introvert. Ironic, seeing as I can easily be the loudest person in the room naturally. Not only am I in the habit of rarely introducing myself, but unknown crowds of people actually often turn my thoughts hostile, and even company of people I am friends with, almost always, momentarily feel like an intrusion. Of course, courtesy and common decency dictates and forces me to act polite, but doing so actually takes a lot of my energy, so nothing comforts me more than staying in my room for days on end with virtually little physical social contact aside from my family. I can actually stay in near solitude for prolong periods of time that when I do see people, it takes a while for me to readjust and not fumble over vocalizing my words.

I’ve got to say though, my expectations were so low, that the whole experience was very anti climatic. I was expecting….more. More lights, more buildings, more noise, more clubs, more drunkenness, more party, more debauchery. Maybe it was due to the nature of our visit, and the area with which we stayed, but my expectations weren’t met and it made the trip more bearable. I even enjoyed some of the things we visited (Titanic Museum, Aquarium and Body Exhibit) that I wouldn’t mind revisiting.

Though I guess, going on a tour to see the Grand Canyon wrap things up nicely, seeing the scenery put me back in my element and provide me with a recharge. It still doesn’t come close to the hikes we had in Hawaii,but even still.

 

 

There is something about nature that keeps me calm and grounded. Again, something I hadn’t realize about myself until recently. Not to say I have become one of those individuals that could rough it out for days, and weeks on end away from civilization. I still enjoy basic, first world commodities. But I could envision myself in that scenario, and would actually chose it over a night out in the city. I like the simplicity of it, I like that it’s away from technology and it’s distractions. I like that it feels safer and liberating. This comes as a surprise, I’ve always pegged myself as someone who likes to be on the go and in constant motion.

So this is why people enjoy outdoors. 

Now if only I could find a group of people that could guide and start me out.

Another thing that I never figured I would enjoy is river rafting. This summer, my siblings and I have been exploring. We never really had the means before, so I guess now is the perfect opportunity.  A few days ago, Jadeh has gotten it into his head that we should go kayaking in the island. However, he changed his mind and opted for rafting instead. So this morning, bright and early, and with Father in tow, we headed up to Lytton, about a 3-4 hours drive for a 2.5 hours rafting down the Thompson River. It was such a hot, beautiful day. Over all it was nice, but not as rough as I thought it was going to be. The moment of nausea and panic I had experienced upon starting was almost embarrassing.  Jadeh purchased a waterproof, disposable camera, but we hardly a chance to utilized the film so it might be a while before the photographs will be developed.

 

 

-Elle Are Emm 

Last picture with SJ,didn’t realize how nearly we match. 

Accompanied SJ around the day before she left (07/28). She had asked me initially to accompany her to a meeting she has with the administration from my old school. Confession Bear: I couldn’t because I was scared to see old instructors. I feel like I left on such a disappointing note that I couldn’t bear to bring myself back there.  This was hard to explain, so I ended up telling SJ that I slept in. I did meet her afterwards though; I brought her to The Quay to have some crepes from Allan, the Frenchman. Except disappointingly enough, he wasn’t there, and somehow the crepes just weren’t as good. 

We stopped by her school, then Chinatown, then back to her place where I helped her pack. Around half past 6, I left. It wasn’t as sad as I thought it would; sure, she plans to come back ASAP, but it’s also because I have a feeling that even if she doesn’t, we’ll see each other again somehow. 

After I made my way home, the bros and I went to the new night market, where the strong, cold, evening wind, made it evident that summer is nearing it’s end. I’ve always preferred the old night market by the way, and all because of these Taiwanese cake wheels snacks that I’ve been obsessing with for YEARS. I noticed though, that apart from that, the old market is actually severely lacking. Sure it’s nice that the food are a fraction cheaper, and it’s not as crowded, but merchandise and variety wise, it doesn’t come up to par with the newer one. 

Besides, I stumbled upon this pastry goodness; it’s essentially bread, rolled in cinnamon and sugar, with Nutella and Bavarian cream filling inside *drool*

 

On Saturday, I received an unexpected text from Dr. B asking if I would be willing to massage her and a few more people. I mean, she’s made her intentions known a long time ago, but never really committed, that I’ve always thought that she just took a polite interest for the sake of filling in awkward silences. 

So on Sunday, I came over. First and last time I set foot in her home was a few years back during one Christmas work party. There were too many people to make a proper observation; I had no more than a passing thought on how big the place is. I hadn’t realize exactly how big, until last Sunday. I had always thought I wanted the same life style for myself, especially when I was younger; a big fancy house, with fancy interior decoration, in a nice fancy neighbourhood. I mean, doesn’t that seem like a cushy way to live? Now I’m not too sure. I feel like to live that lifestyle, I would have to dedicate and center my attention to possessing as much as I can. 

To have this view though. It makes me think twice. 

 

I have never simultaneously appreciated and averted the Filipino’s culture and attitude towards guests. I mean, in all technicality I wasn’t even really a guest. But of course, declining the inevitable offer of nourishment would just make my situation even more awkward. So I toughened up, pretended I belonged by unceasingly talking to one of the tita’s, as I normally tend to do when placed in awkward settings.  Luckily, the two other women were quite nice, especially the tita I talked too, she was quite unexpectedly sweet and welcoming, that at some point, I fully accepted that she might have forgotten to pay; which luckily, she didn’t.

 

-Elle Are Emm