Lazy Sundays?

More like, lazy all day everyday

 

Daddy's home and settling in. This  house is finally a home again. I don't really know what I expect every time he comes back, but I feel as though there should be some adjustments occurring. Though life just go on as if he is just coming home from a long shift at work. Why does that surprise me? He's been my father my whole life (duh!) and I've lived with him for all of it. 

 

After lazying about the whole day, I decided to drop off the promised cake to KR. Then I headed to church all by my lonesome since Father and Baby Bill was out having a driving session and Mother was busy cooking for a late celebration of my birthday. 

 

Mine: Grande chainog JW: Tall peppermint mocha

Before heading home though, I stopped at Starbucks to briefly meet JW. It's funny because I had somewhat meant to share to someone my brief bouts of depression. I had wanted to explain myself and talked it out. It actually doesn't matter to me anymore; I know I was just being dramatic and unreasonable, but for once, I just wanted to be the one being listened too.  

All that notion was brushed aside as soon as we sat down with our respective hot beverage. You see, unlike me, she actually has real life issues. I remember sharing with her a slight dilemma I had once, she looked at me, smiled as said "You're problem is so simple, I wish mine were like yours". I wasn't offended at all, she didn't mean to be belittling because it's true. All my "problems" --thus far-- have been very inconsequential on the grand scheme of things. Some may say that I don't live life, it's true, but at least I don't suffer from headaches and stress like some. 

I headed home about an hour and a half after, though I would have liked to stay a little longer, I was getting a persistent phone calls from both le parents because the food was getting cold. 

 

That awkward moment when people sing happy birthday to you and you don't know what to do. 

 

Mother's been asking me if I was going to have people over so that she can prepare accordingly. Its not that I'm trying to isolate myself, but I just wanted the big 2-0 to be marked in a somber manner (in my head that is), frankly, I'm not in the mood for festivities and celebration. Big changes are going to occur and I can feel it to the core of my being. It's as though, overnight, I had the chance to live a carefree, devil-may-care life, and had missed it, to having to be responsible and carry the weight of the world in my shoulder the next day.  

I know, I'm only 20. Maybe I'm being hard on myself, but I just feel like a complete failure right now. The ironic thing though, is that I'm content with it. I think that's whats  making me want to pack up and go to a place unknown had I the means to. For the longest time, I always had this feeling very comparable to Hollywood scenes where one person is standing stagnant in the middle of a bustling street as everyone passes by. That's me. I'm that person. I'm not going anywhere. 

 

*sigh* what the hell is wrong with me?

 

--Elle Are Emm

A considerably beautiful day considering it is that time of the year again when the weather transitions from Autumn to Winter.

What better way to spend a gorgeous Saturday afternoon other than catching up with a good friend you haven't seen in a while.

I have been informed prior, by older ates and kuyas, but I never thought the day would come when the people you are used to seeing everyday in school would be reduced to, occasional get together or none at all. When the latter occurs, it happens subtly, and one does not even recognize the extent of disconnection between you and the other individual until that random day you bumped into each other. This subsequently lead into three basic circumstances: A) small talks B) reconciliation or the very likely option; C) you ignore each other. The last one is sad.

Funny that, because the other day, I was just thinking of the first girl I befriended when I came to school here. I think the foundation of our friendship was built upon the fact that we were both ESL students at the time. For the first time since ever, I realized that I had left her and traded her for new friends. I feel sincere sadness and deep regret as I blog this. True, we probably would have separated ways comes high school, as we obviously did. She found her own click and I found mine. However, I still feel that my actions were unreasonable. I wonder how my life would have been different had I stayed friends with her. 

 

 *sigh

 

Back to my day then...

 

Truth be told, I was slightly  hesitant to hang out with KR. I don't really know how to put it in words, but our friendship just happened. We virtually have nothing in common, and this might sound very high school but she was one of those girls that are sociable. And I'm not talking about "popularity" per se, but its something along those lines. Other than the fact that we went on a Europe Trip back in our senior year, I don't really know what keeps her being friends with me since I don't remember being a very entertaining companion. And I don't think it's because she would have lacked company the 2 weeks we were away, we had other peers there whom she was clearly friends with. 

But for the entire duration, she never once left me. If anything she had integrated me with other people. For that, I will always be grateful. 

The thing is I've always been that girl who socialize better with adults (ie: parents). I wasn't counted as "one of the boys" because I was virtually a boy with a vagina and very questionable chest size. Though for the most part, I did "hang out" with a group full of people in the same ethnic group, I was unidentifiable in the way that I did not fit into any cliche high school groups/persona etc.  I don't really know where this is going, but my point is that I lack social skills, and today, I very much had a slight fear that the day was going to be spent in an awkward silence. I actually wouldn't have been surprised, nor would I have held it against her had she cancelled with some lame excuse. Seems like a common enough occurrence nowadays anyway. I would have excused her because those people who frequently make plans and cancels are actually closer friends of mine.

But I suck it up and I'm really glad I did.

First, we had lunch at Okinomi. A very decent and affordable sushi place near my school. I had warned KR that for the price, the servings are massive. We still went on and ordered two separate meals to plough through. We spent a good 1.5 trying to finish because we hadn't wanted to carry left overs, then I realized that my bag was big enough, or else we would have spent the entire evening there. 

What follows, as promised, was FONDUE! Neither of us have had fondue other than parties. True, we hardly any space for dessert but since this was what we set out for, and it was still relatively early, we had to go on with it. 

Fondue chocolate with tea

I rarely waste food, especially one that I pay for, but within the first few bites, we knew we were done for. We probably would have enjoyed the experience better than we had --and we enjoyed it a lot-  had we not been as full. In the end, we left a few left overs.

The evening ended relatively early. I had wanted to be home in time to greet daddy's arrival back home.

He's home now and I have my Tuxedo cake. 

Life's good

 

-Elle Are Emm

It's a Friday, and it's my birthday. No one's home. Father is in another province working, mother is at work, kuya is working out and baby brother is probably partying. The longest conversation I had today is with the ear piercer and the stranger lining up behind me for the bus. Skinny white chick with big tits borrowed the shirt off my back and she looked fucking tiny in it. I spent the whole day by myself wandering around.Literally only less than two handfuls of people remembered it was my birthday and UGH!. 

You know you're going to dislike your birthday when even the staff of the establishments that you're redeeming your free gifts from just brush off the fact that it's supposedly a day of celebration for you.

 

I'm just going to drink my misery away. I'm really  not a fan of this day. Truth be told, it doesn't matter if all 7billion of the earth's population wished you a "happy birthday"  because none of them will mean it. It matters not to them how you spent or feel that day. It affects them not. 

 

Words have lost its meaning. 

 

Give me a moment to step out of my soap box and ungrateful/bitterness. "What is, is"  right? I may not have a particular liking to this specific day, but I should at least make the best of it. 

Fine *sigh* I will find my own silver lining and view this situation with less disdain. 

 

Let me start off by saying that it wasn't  as bad as I thought it was going to be. Sure there were brief moments throughout the day, while I was minding my own business and wallowing in my own exaggerated drama of self pity, when my inner voice would figuratively catch in my throat and a well of tears threatened to spill, but as soon as I took the next breath I was always instantly reminded how fortunate I am in more ways that I can ever explain.  At least I've distracted myself enough to not spend the whole rest of my free time racking myself in a fetal position, crying over things that are too ridiculous and irrational.

Here's the break down of my day:

 

Last night, an hour before midnight, Mother pulled out this big bag of present for me

I-as well as Aso- couldn't figure out what it was since I didn't ask for anything. All mother said was "you lucked out that this year, your Father and I had both acquired stable jobs". I opted to go and prep for bedtime to kill the few minutes left until the clock strikes twelve. I wanted to see my present on the official day. 

 

Side story:  A couple of days ago, she was gushing over this expensive leather jacket that she would like to have. She was very enamored by the tailoring, the quality and the make of it.

 

TADA! I opened my the bag and look what I found!

 

CHOCOLATES!!!!!!! NO WONDER she hadn't wanted to buy me some earlier that evening! 

Oh yeah!... and the leather jacket that she was gushing about. I really appreciated the thought, I DID and DO! but the thing is, I think mother might have been projecting just a little. I'm just going to keep on being a brat and say that as branded as this coat may be--and true, it's probably the most comfy coat I've ever worn-- this does not fit my fashion-challenged liking. Not to mention that it's slightly ill fitted. 

But I love it nonetheless. I'll forever treasure it because I know how much she had wanted to gift this to me. I wouldn't be lying if I say that I was surprised and very grateful. Sure, I may not appreciate the specific choice mother made, but hell if I don't appreciate the thought and effort my mother put into this. I'm happy, and it/she is more than I could ever ask for.   

Though can I just say that my most favourite are the chocolates ?!

 

So I napped for a while since I had to spend most of my evening in the school doing school related stuff. 

I had to wake up early though, because I had a final I had to study for. I was feeling a bit off heading to school, but the thought that I could redeem this...

 

...excited me more than anyone could ever know. Today, really, all I had planned was to redeem all the birthday freebies/discount I can!

 

Starting with Starbucks!

For some reason, as I was getting closer and closer to the till, my heart started pounding a little harder in my ear. You see, I have a fear of people singing to me in public. Good thing none of that happened. Yes, I had fully expected the busy staff of Starbucks to burst into a musical for me. Irrational I tell you.

hehehe, still waiting around for newbie.

 

Then Rocky Mountain Chocolate  

Then Sephora 

According to the e-mail, this isn't what I'm supposed to get. I think the lady behind the counter is trying to tell me something hmmnnn. 

 

This is when I realize that this "free birthday gifts" are very elaborately planned marketing strategies. Though they claim that "no purchase is necessary", I found it hard to go to the counter empty handed. So I was wandering around Sephora, browsing, battling with myself regarding wants vs needs. In the end, I walked away with the most amazing smelling and unnecessary perfume bottle. 

No regrets. 

 

And finally, what I've been anticipating for, for a whole year:

HALF PRICE ON PIERCING!  Even with the "half off" it's still ridiculous how much body modification costs!!

Again. No regrets; pain and price considered, I've fallen in love with my new accessory. 

I regress. When I made my appointment for piercing, I didn't take it into account that it was exam day so we get off early. So basically, I made my appointment in the evening but I was free the entire early afternoon. I killed time by hanging around the school and going to the mall impulsively shopping! I still had about an hour left, so I went ahead and had the infamous Donair! It's good to know that even after not visiting for a while, the owner still new by heart what I like!

 

I kid you not! you don't eat this, you devour it! You basically need a bazillion napkins and a slightly thick skin, because eating Donair in public is not pretty! I was actually a little rusty myself! It take serious skills to master the art of devouring this deliciousness without making a mess! 

PIERCING TIME!

 

This is what signing your life away looks like!

I took the what the lady said as a challenge. As she handed me this form, she told me to "read and sign, even though [she] knows that no one really does" so I did, and what I read moderately terrified me. There was a bit that says that if any misfortune happens to you due to your body mod, be it their fault or not, you can't blame/sue them. 

 

Though I did have an appointment booked, and I was even there half an hour earlier, the peircer decided she was going to attend on someone else. Which was fine with me since I had nowhere to be.I paced, browsed and sat patiently on the wooden bench until it was my turn.

AHHHHH!!!!! ISN'T IT AMAZING?!

I didn't consider anything else as soon as I saw spiral helix photos online. But MAN! DOES IT HURT!!! The particular one I got was a double spiral helix with a 1/4' surgical stainless steel spiral ring. The piercing itself wasn't bad! It actually felt almost like a very odd tickle. However, the prodding, twisting, torquing of the ear to spiral in the rings was a BITCH! Even until now, my ear is smarting from the pain! Nonetheless, I'm still very proud of it!

 

Instead of going home, I spontaneously decided to hop in a bus and head back to school to pick up my backpack that I'd left in my locker. So yes, I'm that allotted looser-no-life who hangs around school on a Friday evening. 

 

in the washroom taking pictures. I'm classy like that. 

 

Finally caught up in the present, when I came home and found the house void of any human resident. It was quite depressing, and yes I did drink that ouzo from the first pic. But this portion of the blog is about silver lining. 

 

At least I have my baby to keep me occupied. Father's coming home in less than 24 hours and spending a week here with us. Aside from moments of sadness, I was at total ease having a date with myself; I had no one I had to wait for, no uncomfortable filler convos, I went wherever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want and best of all, I didn't have to share my loots! . Mother didn't judge me when she found me drinking Ouzo by myself. After I explained that I got sad finding that the house was empty, she called Kuya and told him to bring me home a cake! She also didn't berate me for spending my current saving on what parents find as nonsensical purchase ie: my new perfume and piercing. 

And most important of all, everyone I love and hold dear are well and healthy. Now, with that, how am I supposed to feel void, neglected and unloved? If anything, now I'm tearing up from knowing that God is granting me such huge blessings that I never once deserved. 

 

 

BAM! If that isn't considered "silver lining found" I don't know what is. 

 

PS: Friends, if you happened to stumble along this and my previous blog, I apologize for being irritatingly-slap and vagina kick worthy-dramatic. I promise that this act of conceitedness will only ever be displayed online where you have the choice of ignoring my babbles (will not hold it against you) Anyway, I'm not big on "horoscopes" and all that stuff, but today's just seemed proper. 

 

So there you go.

 

-Elle Are Emm

 

But it always does. 

 

My birthday is always the most depressing day of the year for me. Life has been good lately, but it wasn't always like this was it? I have no idea how to tell my friends to not make a big deal and just leave me alone, I don't want them to think I'm trying to fish for greetings or that I'm overly emotional. JB, please see this on time and let everyone know. Truth be told, I will cry if anyone greets me at all. As if I didn't look stupid enough with a tear in my eye and insistently sniffling away in public this evening. I have been feeling this way since the beginning of November, but I was just able to keep it under wrap. Today though...mere 50mins away, I can really feel the sadness dawning in. 

 

Though I've never felt more blessed in my life that I have now. Father will have the option of coming home on his days off soon, its snowing and I get off early tomorrow. Life is good. I ask for nothing but for the success of my dad in this journey he is on. God has been and is good to me and my family, for his guidance, I offer all that I am. 

 

With that thought in mind, it's rather hard to feel completely sad and empty. 

 

Regardless, I still hope I can spend the night and day curled up in a ball. As it is though, I have a project and an exam to pull an all-nighter for. 

 

--Elle Are Emm

Just had a look at the pictures I had taken this past week. There aren't many. I wish I could say it's due to the fact that I've been super busy living life that I've neglected to take pictures. Truth be told - though common knowledge among my peers- my life just isn't exciting. At all

 

-Monday: Last day of practicum downtown; didn't even got a chance to explore. Will miss super sweet patients
  -->walking and commuting with classmate; managed to keep awkwardness down to a minimum

 -Wednesday: SUPER MEGA busy. Same yet different experience in the MS in reach
 --> PS: being the second to last person in school is creepy 

-Thursday: Finding out that instructors are awkward too made my day better. 

-Friday: Watching the Immortals 2011  has reawakened the mythology geek in me. Makes me re-evaluate my profession

-Saturday: Work day. Paycheck gods probably felt bad for my last, super pathetic check *shrug* way better than nothing though!

 

 

I wish to find peace and happiness within myself. 

 

Ps: Watching youtube "celebrities" makes me feel inadequate. I live vicariously through the interwebs

 

-Elle Are Emm

IT'S DAY LIGHT SAVINGS TIME YA'LL!   Maybe its the extra hour of sleep but to me, today seemed oddly quiet. 

Spent the day lounging (what else is new right?) Church in the evening with Mother and Baby Bill. Then off to do some grocery and to eat out. 

 

For some odd reason, I developed an allergy to most seafood, though I don't mind. Call me crazy but I'm not a big fan of lobster, shrimp, crabs etc. But I really just can't resist this Vietnamese Summer Roll! So delish!

I noticed that nowadays, I don't get to eat rice anymore and as often if I don't eat out. Ironic, really.

 

I will never tire of going grocery shopping with le mother! Though she on the other hand, is tired of bringing me out! Ever since we were young though, she has always been generous when it comes to food. We would spend hundred and thousands of PHP on food that would only last  for a week. We were never--if rarely-- on a "budget" and that still holds true even to this day.

HEDGEHOGS! Seasonal chocolates are THE BEST! Can't wait for my favourite --Guylian Belgian Sea Shells--to go on the shelves! 

I mean, tuexedo cake for no special reason?! It almost feels like it's my birthday....

 

 

-Elle Are Emm

Been eating wayy too many sweets.

 

Approve!

 

What a very physically and psychologically overwhelming day. I decided to pick up another extra shift in the clinic today even though it's a Saturday. My first patient happened to be an RMT for a little over 10 years; he was requesting for a very specific work. I was quite comfortable, if only a tad intimidated. The problem is, I think he was either not trained the way we are, or its just been a while and he'd forgotten how it is like to know virtually next to nothing. Fine, I know things but with so many to learn I just shove most of them somewhere else to make space for new information. 

I think it was that I wasn't comfortable enough with my own skills, he was polite and very instructional the whole time; he even got off the table and thought me certain techniques. *sighs* 

Due to the nature of the treatment, I basically had a very sore back  and being doused in my own sweat. I had to stay behind for a few hours to recuperate before I found the energy to head to work to return the lab coat I'd borrowed for halloween. Of all the days, it's luckily that I chose today to drop by. FREE FOOD from work, just in time too because I was starved! 

 

I'd originally planned on donating blood after practicum today before my birthday in two weeks, in which I had planned on getting some sort of body modification rendering me unable to donate for the next six months or so. The problem is, I was informed that since I had just donated, I have to wait until the 19th, my birthday is on the 18th! Oh well! 

So home it was then. Rested, then got ready for KS post birthday dinner since I hadn't wanted to join her in the club.

 

Birthday girl

 

There weren't very many of us. The intimate group included KS, WT, CB, JB, LG, and DP

Can you guess one of her favoured colours?

 

Lemon Meringue Mojito 

Some sort of East Indian dish. Note-to-self: Never order an East Indian dish from a non East Indian restaurant. 

KS's complimentary ice cream and cake. We raped it

It was actually quite brief. After we ate, KS and WT headed for the club, the rest back to SFU to continue their study sesh and I walked back home. I thought of joining them but I'm just too lazy now. 

 

 

-Elle Are Emm

Just got back from watching Tower Heist 2011 with le mother. I like it, it kept me entertained. Aside from that and accompanying mother with her evening errands, I basically just lazed around the whole Friday due to the fact that I did not have any class/other commitments. 

 

Yesterday was a bit depressing though. I headed home late in the evening, and on my way, I saw a couple of people I know/acquainted with. One of which being a former classmate from high school. To keep up conversation and avoid awkward bus ride, I chatted him up about inane topics such as how was his life post high school, does he keep in touch with former class/school mates, has he visited back etc. That in itself wasn't too bad, it's more of the fact that I noticed that time is passing by quickly. So quickly in fact that I am to turn a full two decade in a mere 13 days. It bothered me so much that I couldn't help but feel very emotional and teary eyed as I walked Aso for the evening. 

I don't like.

For some reason, not being a teen any longer saddens me, I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in the nearly twenty years that I have lived. I used to joke to my friends that I would have a mental break down, but I think that is a probable possibility. This very overwhelming sense of solitude that engulfed me as literal as the fog that covered the empty lot where I walked Aso that night. 

 

Good thing I'm a girl, and that I am near my time of the month. Because then, I am just blaming this ridiculous irrational way of thinking to hormones.  

 

 

 

-Elle Are Emm

And I wasn't even aware of it until I got a phone call from a sick classmate inquiring if I wanted to take over her shift. Which makes it even more awesome (being on call, not the classmate being sick) since I didn't jinxed it or I didn't get overly excited just to be disappointed in the end. 

 

That's basically my day. Tomorrow evening I resume my case study. I'm kind of nervous, I feel like it's so simple, yet I have no idea what to do!.

 

 

 

-Elle Are Emm

Today was a very sleepy Tuesday, barely got through my classes by falling asleep. The worst part is that I always sit in front, it's okay though, I wasn't the only one sleeping. 

I finally got my re-approval for my final project. Except I didn't get the paper itself, the instructor had to come to me to tell me that she'd posted my re-approval a week ago. Someone must have taken my notice, what I don't understand is why that particular someone did/does not return it to me; there is absolutely no merit for them whatsoever to keep that piece of paper. It just caused me and my patient inconvenience.

After 2 days of crazy hair, I got my fake curls managed for today. A lot of people seem to love it, I even woke up from a nap with someone caressing my hair, it wasn't the slight bit creepy, I was more worried about how my sleeping/drooling self must have looked.  I don't have a slight idea how to take a compliment btw, it always just seem so awkward and narcissistic to do so, hence I always try to deflect them by saying something, anything. 

 

Got a bit of studying done before I caved and invited out a friend for some distractions. "Some" being .25$ wings this time. Ate DP and I shared these nomnomnables  from Heritage Grill whilst listening to some classy jazz performers and oogling at the very talented woman drummer. *sigh* I'd lick her!

 

Was supposed to see a movie with mother, but she is having a migraine, so I trained back to Surrey with ate DP then ran into coworker TS.I showed her my masterpiece of a costume and she, along with everybody seem to be horrifyingly amused.

 

 

 

-Elle Are Emm