The following is an e-mail from the past, composed 2 years, 1 month and 30 days ago, on November 24, 2009. It is being delivered from the past through FutureMe.org
November 23, 2009 at 11:11 PM
Dear Future Me:
By the time you get this e-mail I imagine that you are in either two situations:
1) You have succeeded in your goal.Therefore let me just take this moment to congratulate you.
2) You have not.
Either way I would like to remind you of where you are right now, tonight, at this very moment as you are composing this message hoping to read it 2 years from now. Right now, you are struggling to find your motivation to do well, yet you WANT to do well and prove to everyone that you can come out at the very top. You WANT to be the very best at this profession that you are working towards because you enjoy it, because you know that this will lead to a a great start to an even greater future which will provide you the necessities to accomplish all that you want. Which is needless to say, a list of array of a myriad of things. This is only all the wanting and in the surface you have a doubt whether your ambitious enough to be these many things that you would like to be. It frightens you that maybe you are not good enough, not special enough, not determined enough to be accomplished. However, you have your pillar of support, your own cheerleaders, your motivations, your teachers, your mentors: Mommy and Daddy. Just always keep them in your heart, and in your very thoughts. Future me, whether you succeed at this very moment or not is mildly irrelevant. The past you, which right now is actually the present you would sure be happy and proud and elated beyond belief if you give this your best shot. And you'll know that you did when you can't recount the sleepless days and frustrated nights and if you've lost track of the many times you've uttered the words "I QUIT!" or "I GIVE UP!" but then you get back up and plow through the difficulty. After all you must keep in mind that inspirational quote you found on Mr. Schieve's desk: "No boy or girl should ever be disheartened by lack of success in their youth but should diligently and faithfully continue to pursue and make up for lost time- Winston Churchill" By now, you have most likely just entered your 20's as late as it may seem for you to accomplish EVERYTHING, let me remind you to just take it a day at a time and breathe easy because you DO have your whole life ahead of you. And although you did not became a music prodigy at 7, or a super athlete at 15 or the worlds youngest published authour with million dollar movie deal, you have to make best of what you have and work towards those goals at your own phase. Stop wishing what you want to be and start being what you want to be.
Love
~ Past you who is really the present you right now
PS, Don't forget to send yourself another future message for another 2 years or so with a goal that you would like to accomplish in that time period.
Reminder: Traveling is among that list, so is working/living abroad, learning a language, and getting your Bachelors Degree
PPS. If you haven't written your board exam.... YOU CAN DO IT! and YOU WILL DO IT!
******
That was a letter I'd written myself 2 years, 2 months, 3 weeks some hours and a multiple seconds ago. I'd read that letter a handful of times and I've been putting off composing this blog since.
It's so hard. I know not of a precise word to adequately explain myself. It's more of a feeling inside me.
I sit here, in front of my computer screen, in reflection of the hopeful, eager kid that I was when I wrote that letter, and I feel disconnected from her. I feel as though she's a different entity with a different existence from me.
That me, who wrote that letter was struggling in the beginnings of her study, she somehow managed to succeed -albeit hardly- along the way and turned into me; the person who is still somewhat, somehow, from sheer luck, managing to steadily reach the end goal.
If I were to be completely honest, there hasn't been a big change with my work ethics, I'm still that girl who procrastinates and studies a couple of hours before an exam. However, she enjoyed the work, she felt happy, relieved and more than grateful. I, on the other hand, simply do not care. And I feel like a complete jerk because I do not deserve to be where I am.
It's not a matter of motivation anymore, I've just lost all reason for being, and staying here.
And because of that I'm perpetually fucked.
I can't explain myself, all I know is I'm willing and ready to just give up. The time, money, and effort I've spent doesn't even mean anything. I'm done. I'm just finished.
Everything I've worked hard for the past three years is literally within my grasp, and I don't even want it anymore.
I wish I could say I'm exhausted. That would be a lie though, I never applied myself consistently because truthfully, though I love the learning aspect, it's dawning on me that I do not like the work. This isn't where I wan't to be.
I wish I could say that I'm terrified. True; I'm scared of screwing up and not knowing how to deal with certain situations, but that isn't it.
I've always told myself that I was going to do what I love, but clearly, this isn't my passion. I don't even know what that is. But this isn't it.
How, terribly, terribly disheartening.
This board used to be symbolic. It used to give me chills and a sense of deep accomplishment with each time I get closer to the end. Now? nothing. Absolutely nothing.
-Elle Are Emm
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