July 2, 2013

  • Here's to the saddest trip I couldn't wait to be over

    It's 6:26 PM PST, we're back home, I'm well rested but still unpacked. It inflicts such a deep, metaphorical wound in my heart but, I could say with the out most certainty that this is one of the hardest blog I have ever felt compelled to write. And that is because this trip managed to disappoint my nonexistent expectations.  No wonder I was actually never excited for it, even when we've had half a year to look forward to the day we depart; I should have taken that lack of excitement with a sense of foreboding.

    It had already started off rough anyway. From the very beginning a click had started to form as to whom gets to ride with who in the two cars we shared, and then it continued on to sleeping arrangements, which I thought really nothing of. Regardless, I didn't understand this emphasis on groupings since we were supposedly one big group, I didn't take it too seriously, figuring spending a week with my closest friends and my younger brother –whom they seem to adore- would be a large and prolonged sleep over, hence why I never had a say. Besides, I thought it was natural to be saddled with my baby brother, though even that felt strange as I thought he would be fully welcomed in the group.

    And then on the very first night, a petty fight broke between me and CB which was swept under the rug before the night ends. I hadn't realized this was going to be the least amount of tension I would experience compared to what lay ahead. 

    I personally wanted to step out of my comfort zone and explore, which is what vacation means to me. I felt like we had a lot of time and Hawaii had so many more things to offer than just beaches and markets. My suggestions and plea to compromise was ignored and shut down and consistently met with pessimism. I was also disappointed with the fact that regardless of having idea of things to do, places to see and food to try, virtually none of it happened and the confusion as to  what the day has to offer was frustrating to me. I know I'm very meticulous when it comes to things like these, however, I tried really hard not to be such a control freak, I also didn't think it was unreasonable to have a guideline planned out for the day, after all we we're in an unfamiliar territory that beckoned to be explored.  Hence, after the first day, I made the decision to separate from the rest of them. This way, I thought I was being giving and considerate, because I knew fact that I would be miserable had I stayed which would ruin the trip for everyone and had a great potential to jeopardize our friendship. 

     

    Have you ever been so nervous and scared you wanted to throw up? Well that's how I felt the second morning when I dragged Baby Bill out of our hotel room at quarter to 8 the next day. There were so many things that could have gone wrong, but I sucked it up and prayed to Him for  safety and guidance. The entire day went much better than expected. We met so many good and interesting people, from a random stranger who offered us a ride, a newly acquired acquaintance with an older couple who offered to lend me their phone and chatted me up so much that it passed time, multiple kindhearted  transit operators, and local residents who are patient enough to help out two young tourists asking for directions.I took the first day as a personal challenge, and that it went by unhitched brought on such a big sense of relief and boosted my self confidence.  

    However, what I didn't expect was the cold reception I would receive upon our arrival. Worst; it just got colder night after night. The tension was palpable that it made me cringe and made me feel unwelcome.  I couldn't understand it, I still don't. I wasn't angry even when I had the right to be. Disappointed though I might be, I didn't hold anything against them, after all I knew that what I wanted to do was something we wouldn't do ordinarily, however, I was looking for a little compromise in defense of not being in a very ordinary place, situation and opportunity. It wasn't as thought I was completely averse to their half-baked plans, I made the decision to go on this trip with them didn't I? I simply just wanted more out of it. Moreover, I wanted to be able to share it with them.  I understood their disinterest, as I expected them to understand my position and my motive behind my decision. By their reaction I knew for a fact they obviously had a few things to say about me that they shared with each other. I knew they were going to, as I had things to say about them that I shared with Baby Bill. However, I got over it and actually tried to get over the awkwardness. My efforts were fruitless and if they weren't just flat out ignoring me, the general reception I was receiving was very faked; faked interest to what we did, faked enthusiasm to my stories, faked tolerance to my presence. To be honest, I think they tried to accommodate us on the last day out of guilt of a sense of obligation. It hurts. And I tried to ignore it and dismissed it as paranoia and something imagined until Baby Bill told me that they were obviously avoiding me/us, that we were outcasts and to not just speak.  I teared up, and my heart swelled with sadness. It's hard to be dismissal given the nature of our relationship. I actually choked up and cried in front of my  older brother and mom despite trying really hard not to. I didn't want them to think wrongly of my friends, after all, it already happened and this was just a singular and exceptional scenario.

    I'm not going to lie, it's hard not to let it affect my judgment over them. After all, these are the specially selected group of people with which I chose to be surrounded, and to be treated that way was a one of the biggest  insult and slap in the face I've ever received in my adult life. I don't think anyone understand the serious measure I take my friendship. Yes, over the years, with multiple close friendship collapsing, my trust in my friends have dwindled; though this is probably the last straw. It just goes to show that you can't fully open your heart to anyone and that the only person you can fully rely on is yourself.  

     

    So that's that. To be honest I have zero intention of posting any picture of our trip. It probably would have been for the best if I hadn't gone. I probably would have been jealous but at least I wouldn't have  lost my faith in my friends the way I do now. 

     

     

    -Elle Are Emm