November 21, 2011

  • The night I went out for coffee

    Lazy Sundays?

    More like, lazy all day everyday

     

    Daddy's home and settling in. This  house is finally a home again. I don't really know what I expect every time he comes back, but I feel as though there should be some adjustments occurring. Though life just go on as if he is just coming home from a long shift at work. Why does that surprise me? He's been my father my whole life (duh!) and I've lived with him for all of it. 

     

    After lazying about the whole day, I decided to drop off the promised cake to KR. Then I headed to church all by my lonesome since Father and Baby Bill was out having a driving session and Mother was busy cooking for a late celebration of my birthday. 

     

    Mine: Grande chainog JW: Tall peppermint mocha

    Before heading home though, I stopped at Starbucks to briefly meet JW. It's funny because I had somewhat meant to share to someone my brief bouts of depression. I had wanted to explain myself and talked it out. It actually doesn't matter to me anymore; I know I was just being dramatic and unreasonable, but for once, I just wanted to be the one being listened too.  

    All that notion was brushed aside as soon as we sat down with our respective hot beverage. You see, unlike me, she actually has real life issues. I remember sharing with her a slight dilemma I had once, she looked at me, smiled as said "You're problem is so simple, I wish mine were like yours". I wasn't offended at all, she didn't mean to be belittling because it's true. All my "problems" --thus far-- have been very inconsequential on the grand scheme of things. Some may say that I don't live life, it's true, but at least I don't suffer from headaches and stress like some. 

    I headed home about an hour and a half after, though I would have liked to stay a little longer, I was getting a persistent phone calls from both le parents because the food was getting cold. 

     

    That awkward moment when people sing happy birthday to you and you don't know what to do. 

     

    Mother's been asking me if I was going to have people over so that she can prepare accordingly. Its not that I'm trying to isolate myself, but I just wanted the big 2-0 to be marked in a somber manner (in my head that is), frankly, I'm not in the mood for festivities and celebration. Big changes are going to occur and I can feel it to the core of my being. It's as though, overnight, I had the chance to live a carefree, devil-may-care life, and had missed it, to having to be responsible and carry the weight of the world in my shoulder the next day.  

    I know, I'm only 20. Maybe I'm being hard on myself, but I just feel like a complete failure right now. The ironic thing though, is that I'm content with it. I think that's whats  making me want to pack up and go to a place unknown had I the means to. For the longest time, I always had this feeling very comparable to Hollywood scenes where one person is standing stagnant in the middle of a bustling street as everyone passes by. That's me. I'm that person. I'm not going anywhere. 

     

    *sigh* what the hell is wrong with me?

     

    --Elle Are Emm